Signs You Are Being Scapegoated by Your In-Laws
Signs You Are Being Scapegoated by Your In-Laws
A Handy Checklist
According to the Cambridge Dictionary, scapegoating is “the act of blaming a person or group for something bad that has happened or that someone else has done.” It is fueled by two defense mechanisms: projection and displacement. Projection is when someone displaces their own negative traits and emotions onto others. Displacement is when one transfers their negative feeling about one person onto another, less threatening person. In families, choosing a scapegoat allows the members of the family to believe that they are healthier than they are, to maintain control of the narrative, and to create a villain and hero within the family system. For an excellent breakdown on Family Scapegoating Abuse, please read this article by Rebecca Mandeville, LMFT, CCTP.
If you married into a narcissistic family system, it can be challenging and tricky to understand the behaviors of other family members, and what your “role” is in the family system. It is important to be able to identify if you are the scapegoat, so that you can protect yourself, and your marriage. Here are some patterns of behavior that may indicate you are being scapegoated by your in-laws:
They overtly or covertly blame all the family problems on you.
They gossip about you and villainize you to your partner and/or to other family members, but sidestep direct conversation with you.
They project the parts of themselves which they cannot tolerate, because of the amount of shame it triggers in them, onto you. Then they incite you to behave in a way that reflects those disowned parts so they can blame you and feel clean and free of their “bad parts”.
The family rallies around protecting one person, usually the most mentally ill and the abuser. They excuse and minimize this person’s behavior and hold you to a double standard. Then they accuse you of having a double standard (gaslighting).
They emotionally invalidate, outright deny or flip the blame back onto you any time you bring up a grievance or hurt feelings.
They refuse to take any accountability in the relationship, and if they do, it is short lived, and their behavior does not change.
They violate and weaponize boundaries, using the boundaries you communicate to them as a way to get under your skin.
They try to split you and your spouse/partner by putting pressure on them to side with the family over you.
The family “mobs” you through gossip, smear campaigns, reporting back on your activities, ganging up on you to strengthen their own sense of cohesion and closeness.
You may have once been in another role in the family, such as the “golden” or favored in-law.
You are empathic and feel and see things deeply and clearly. This is a threat to anyone who is trying to maintain control over a family system.
You don’t fit in with the family’s “norms”and you refuse to go along with their rules, instead calling out the toxic behavior. And this results in any or all of the other behaviors listed here.
If you checked off 5 or more, there is a good chance your in-laws are scapegoating you. The absolute first order of business is to communicate with your spouse what your experience is, and for the two of you to get on the same page and make a plan about how you will set and communicate boundaries for your family. It is also wise to get a couples therapist who specializes in working with narcissistic family systems.
If this is not possible, or your spouse is not aware of their family’s issues, then you need to get an individual therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse, or find a support group so you can take care of your mental health. Being scapegoated is a form of emotional abuse, and over time it can have a negative impact on your well-being and mental health. It is important that you continue to communicate your experience to your spouse, and let them know how their family’s behavior impacts you. I will dedicate a post to this topic as well, because it can be, in my personal experience, extremely challenging. If you find that your mental health is suffering because of your interactions with your in-laws, it is perfectly ok to minimize or cut contact so that you can heal. No relationship is worth sacrificing your mental health and well-being.
I also recommend the following books and resources:
Rejected, Shamed and Blamed by Rebecca Mandeville, LMFT CCTP
We just returned from a visit with my in-laws. For seven days, we all stayed in the same cottage. My in-laws are polite. They never say a harsh word. But they avoided speaking to me and gossiped about me and turned suddenly silent if I should walk into the room. My mother-in-law was the cruelest. In seven days, she said no more than twenty words to me. This began when our son took his own life eight years ago. Before that, I was close to my husband's family. They encouraged me and supported me. Now, when I speak, they remain stone-faced and unresponsive. The experience of being with them reignited my C-PTSD quite severely. I am working on rebuilding my sense of safety and easing my nervous system using the tools I have been practising. The scapegoating can be highly covert.
I'm a writer, so I am turning to that for comfort. This is how I described the feeling. (Please do not share with others).
"In the shadows, a living breathing human being can be made to disappear. There is a special type of agony for any human who suddenly finds themself being purposely ignored. A person does not have to be physically assaulted to receive life-threatening wounds. All that is needed is for someone you once held intimate to withdraw their love. The surprise attack may be easily executed under the veneer of politeness, without warning or explanation. The gut punch will land sharply in your unprotected regions underneath the ribs. It will threaten your internal organs. It will leave you breathless with pain and overcome by an urgent need to flee. Yet, even in company, such assaults may go uncounted. Harsh words are unnecessary when silence hurts more." (c) Debbie Bateman