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Jacob Greenleaf's avatar

My partner passed before this conflict became acute but I know that if he followed this article, I would have seen who my family was sooner and chosen him, because as much as they might have tried to paint it as choosing him over them, it was really choosing myself over them, or really just choosing myself at all in the abstract. My family didn't overtly treat him badly in that they never said bad words about him, they did the opposite, they "just" treated him as if he was invisible (just like they treated me as if I was invisible), which is its own form of hurt as well but that is why it didn't become acute sooner; there was usually nothing to point to, the colloquial dog that didn't bark (i.e. the love and support that never actually is there when you go to reach for it, like some kind of sick illusion or magic trick or carrot on a stick). I have reason to think they knew on some level that I was going to choose him/myself, even, and chose this path on purpose to delay it. I just wish we had known. Once I felt the warmth of real love and authenticity and connection it was not really a choice at all. I just wasn't ready yet. But I found my own way there eventually anyway. I was going to choose him, I knew that, I was just afraid of the pain. Knowing and believing that I wasn't responsible for how they treated me and that it was wrong how they treated both of us would have made all the difference, even just the terms and proper framing and understanding would have caused me to realize what was happening and exit the "fog".

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