How To Talk To Your Spouse* About Their Narcissistic Family
And How Not To.
If you married into a narcissistic family and your are subject to their challenging and sometimes disrespectful behavior, at some point you will likely be confronted with having to talk to your spouse about it. Getting married and starting a life with a new partner is, generally speaking, a joyful thing. And in families with very rigid, closed ways, it can be complicated. This is because a new person with different values and experiences is now putting eyes on someone’s family of origin’s patterns and beliefs. They may see things that you don’t see or don’t want them to see. And they may not be willing to assimilate into the family, if the family system does not appear healthy to them.
In healthy family systems, members are flexible and open. New beliefs and ideas are welcomed and embraced, as are different opinions, values and viewpoints. In healthy family systems, parents are there to meet the children’s needs, and to support them in becoming their own separate, autonomous beings. And in healthy family systems, each person at the table has an equal say in the system.
In narcissistic family systems, the opposite is true. The family system is rigid and closed, intolerant of differences, particularly the ones that threaten to take away the control from the NPD parent, and the system requires that the narcissistic parent’s needs be met first and foremost. Narcissistic families do not want their children to become separate, emotionally autonomous beings because this threatens their sense of control. And, narcissistic families maintain the stability of the family system by vigorously denying any dysfunction, and viciously blaming those who point it out as “the problem”. They firmly believe that have a monopoly on the truth, and that this gives them the right to shape you according to their expectations. They also vehemently resist any information that might challenge their worldview, which is way you rarely see them in therapy. It’s also why they claim to “not understand” a situation, no matter how many times you explain something. They don’t want to understand, because understanding would mean relinquishing control, and looking at their own flaws. In the face of evidence that their opinions don’t jibe with reality, narcissistic families will distort and bend reality to make it conform to their truth.
There are two big barriers healthy communication about your spouse’s family: The first is your spouse’s denial, resistance, or difficulty in seeing their family’s behavior as problematic or unhealthy. The second is the anger that you, the spouse, might feel in the face of your in-laws poor behavior, and the anger you might feel towards your spouse, due to their inability to see and set boundaries around their parents’ behavior.
If you marry into a narcissistic family, you are bound to have conflict, even if the desire to be accepted by your new family is strong in the beginning. It’s difficult if not impossible to be in a healthy relationship where your basic rights to autonomy, privacy, and respect are always up for debate. On the other hand, if you were raised to deny your needs, to keep the peace at all costs, have trouble with setting and/or respecting personal boundaries, or are conflict avoidant, and comfortable living your life this way then you may have found the perfect fit. For everyone else, it’s gonna be rough. And if your spouse has limited awareness about their family’s shortcomings, bringing up their bad behavior can lead to serious rifts in your marriage. It shouldn’t. But it can.
There are two big barriers healthy communication about your spouse’s family: The first is your spouse’s denial, resistance, or difficulty in seeing their family’s behavior as problematic or unhealthy. The second is the anger that you, the spouse, might feel in the face of your in-laws poor behavior, and the anger you might feel towards your spouse, due to their inability to see and set boundaries around their parents’ behavior. Both of these perspectives and all of these feelings are valid. However, until you can both understand where the other is coming from, and cultivate empathy for one another, it will be difficult to have a constructive conversation.
Here Are Some Things Your Spouse Might Be Struggling With:
It is painful to confront your family’s dysfunction and bad behavior. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that your parents are deeply flawed, and do not treat you or your spouse very well. It brings up feelings of shame, of not being worthy of love, of confusion and betrayal and isolation.
It is lonely to confront your family’s behavior and to make changes in your own behavior, such as setting boundaries, that go against your family “rules”, especially if no one else in the family is doing that kind of work. You are at risk of being ostracized or feeling left out.
Your spouse’s family may ramp up pressure to “stay loyal” to them. Your spouse may simply feel stuck in between keeping their family of origin happy and their new family happy. Yes, they are feeling stuck because their family of origin is applying pressure and feels they have a right to their life. But understand that your spouse comes from a family where loyalty to the parents and the family of origin is what comes first. Anything else is a betrayal. They feel guilty.
Your spouse may have never set a boundary with their family in their life. They lack the skills. They may be learning a whole set of tools that are potentially brand new to them.
Your spouse may think that manipulation, guilt trips, shaming, blaming, gaslighting, splitting, triangulation, invalidating, sweeping things under the rug, being treated like a child as an adult (infantilization), the silent treatment, withdrawing affection and conditional acceptance into the family are all normal. They may minimize or dismiss these behaviors by saying that’s just “who their parents are” or that you are “too sensitive”. They have been taught that this behavior is an acceptable way to be treated. Interestingly, they may not inflict this same behavior on others, and even be horrified at the thought of doing so. But somehow, they feel it is ok for their parents to treat them (and you) this way.
Your spouse may be struggling with feelings of guilt, shame and failure for not seeing this sooner, or for coming from a family that mistreats others, especially you. They may feel responsible for their family’s bad behavior. They are not, but they were likely raised in an enmeshed family system, where everyone is responsible for everyone else’s feelings, so they feel responsible.
Your spouse may not be completely independent from their family - financially, emotionally or otherwise. This adds pressure and can make it more difficult for them to set and hold boundaries.
Things You Might Be Struggling With:
You might be feeling angry towards your spouse’s family for they way they treat you or their lack of respect for your boundaries. And you might be even more angry at your spouse for not acknowledging and validating these transgressions, and for failing to set boundaries with their family of origin.
You might be feeling hurt and betrayed because your spouse can’t seem to prioritize your needs over their family of origins.
You might be feeling frustrated that your spouse continues to minimize and deny their family’s bad behaviors.
You might be feeling pressure to “go along to get along” and abandon your own needs and limitations to keep the peace. This could be leading to feelings of resentment.
You might be most angry about the lack of support from your spouse, and this is perfectly understandable and reasonable. You may have even lost respect for them.
You might be fixated on your in-laws behavior, feeling chronically disappointed when they don’t meet your expectations for respectful behavior.
You might be feeling rage, confusion, and sadness if your in-laws overtly or covertly blame you for all the family problems, gossip about you, or try to triangulate you with other family members or come between your and your spouse.
You may be feeling powerless and helpless to change all of these things.
You may feel like you are the one being blamed for all of the family problems.
You can see how this perfect storm could erupt into a great deal of conflict and misunderstanding. You are both right to feel what you are feeling. And it can feel like you are at odds in your experiences and viewpoints. What is important is that you be in alignment on how you will address the problems. This starts with sharing your experiences with your spouse in a thoughtful and kind manner. So, how to NOT talk to your spouse.
Do not attack their family when discussing them. It will automatically lead to your spouse defending them and it will further the gap between the two of you. And it hurts them. They may love their family, regardless of your feelings towards them. They have the right to love their family.
Do not attack your spouse’s character. It is disrespectful and it will make things worse between the two of you.
Do not sweep things under the rug until you get to a boiling point. This will almost always result in a blow up.
HOW to talk to your spouse:
Tell them what their parents do that is difficult for you. Do not use this as an opportunity to bash their family. Stick to the facts. For example: ”Your parents regularly undermine our parenting rules.”
Tell them how this behavior makes you feel. Be mindful that you aren’t hiding your thinking behind a feeling statement. “I feel disrespected when they undermine our parenting and concerned how it will impact our child”. Saying “I feel like your parents are complete assholes” is not a feeling statement.
Tell them how it affects your marriage. “I love you, and this situation is causing me to lose respect for you/is making me very unhappy/is eroding the good in our marriage.”
Tell them what you want from them moving forward. When you do this, use “I” statements. “I would like it if…” or “It would mean a lot to me if you could please tell them that undermining our parenting is not acceptable, and that if they continue to do so we will cut back visits with them.”
Keep in mind that it will probably take more than one conversation for you partner to fully take in what you share with them. Also remember not to inundate them with information, and perhaps share one or two concerns at a time so they can absorb what you are saying. If your partner starts to get overwhelmed, chances are they will respond defensively by either shutting down or fighting back. I know it is tempting to unload everything at once, but if you are dysregulated, and your partner becomes dysregulated as well, the conversation will go nowhere fast because you will be perceiving each other as threats instead of allies. If you need to, consider enlisting the help of a couples therapist who is trained in narcissistic family systems.
If your partner starts to get overwhelmed, chances are they will respond defensively by either shutting down or fighting back. I know it is tempting to unload everything at once, but if you are dysregulated, and your partner becomes dysregulated as well, the conversation will go nowhere fast because you will be perceiving each other as threats instead of allies.
This is a long game. Changes do not happen overnight. Your spouse will not magically wake up one day and realize the their parents behavior is harmful, and that they need to put their marriage first by addressing it. It takes time. And, they may never be able to make this shift. Family enmeshment is powerful, and it compromises a person’s ability to identify and act on their own needs, goals, feelings and thoughts. Remember, children who grew up in narcissistic families have been groomed to think that their needs do not matter, and that it is their job to keep their parents happy. Some people can never break away. It’s up to you to decide what you can and cannot live with. However, it is worth bringing these things up to your spouse in a way that they can potentially hear your concerns, and that will strengthen the partnership. When you and your spouse are strongly connected, the chances of someone coming between you are lessened.
*I use the word “Spouse” here for convenience, but this article applies to anyone in a long term partnership, married or otherwise.
My partner passed before this conflict became acute but I know that if he followed this article, I would have seen who my family was sooner and chosen him, because as much as they might have tried to paint it as choosing him over them, it was really choosing myself over them, or really just choosing myself at all in the abstract. My family didn't overtly treat him badly in that they never said bad words about him, they did the opposite, they "just" treated him as if he was invisible (just like they treated me as if I was invisible), which is its own form of hurt as well but that is why it didn't become acute sooner; there was usually nothing to point to, the colloquial dog that didn't bark (i.e. the love and support that never actually is there when you go to reach for it, like some kind of sick illusion or magic trick or carrot on a stick). I have reason to think they knew on some level that I was going to choose him/myself, even, and chose this path on purpose to delay it. I just wish we had known. Once I felt the warmth of real love and authenticity and connection it was not really a choice at all. I just wasn't ready yet. But I found my own way there eventually anyway. I was going to choose him, I knew that, I was just afraid of the pain. Knowing and believing that I wasn't responsible for how they treated me and that it was wrong how they treated both of us would have made all the difference, even just the terms and proper framing and understanding would have caused me to realize what was happening and exit the "fog".