How To Cope When You Married Into a Narcissistic Family
No, It's Not a Divorce Lawyer
Coming to terms with your own family dysfunction can be painful, and leave you feeling exhausted. Coming to terms with your partner’s family dysfunction can be a downright bitch. This is because you are navigating family system that is not your own. You may have insight that your spouse may not possess, and may not want to see. And you have far less influence in a family you have married into than you do in your family of origin. If you would like more information on how Narcissistic Family Systems operate, I recommend reading this article by Rebecca Mandeville, LMFT. Then come on back here.
I wholly disagree with the statement that if you marry your spouse, you marry their family. No. Nein. Nyet. Non. In most healthy (Western) family systems, when you get married, you and your spouse start your own family and your families of origin take a backseat. You and your spouse/partner build a life based on your own values, beliefs and traditions. However, in narcissistic family systems, the family of origin views this “cleaving off” as a rejection and a betrayal. The narcissist in charge will also view this separation as a loss of control, and will resent the person responsible for this change, i.e. the spouse who married into the family. All of this will put pressure on your partner and on your marriage.
Here is a list of things you might experience after marrying into a narcissistic family system:
You Will Be Told What To Do (and not asked) Because…Control. There will be pressure to attend every family event, pressure to put your in-laws needs first, pressure to say yes to them, pressure from your spouse if they have low awareness around their family dynamics, pressure to conform - all of these are part of being married into a narcissistic family. For example, instead invitations to family events you are simply told to be there. When you say no, the “no” is not accepted, and it is always considered up for debate.
Manipulation Is How Needs Get Met. Guilt trips, blame shifting, denial, lack of accountability, “forgetting” things they said or did that were unkind, is how narcissistic families get their needs met. Because communicating needs directly is a vulnerable process, and it feels too threatening, other tactics are deployed. And because rejection feels intolerable, manipulation ensures that there is never a “no”. And if you do say “no”, well, see above.
Communication overall will be terrible. If you have ever played telephone, then you know how quickly the meaning of the message gets distorted as it passes through multiple people. This is the primary way members of a narcissistic family communicate. They tell a third party in the hopes that it will get back to the person it is intended for, then, if it is brought up by that person, they deny that they said anything, and sweep it under the rug. Any direct communication will be vague, difficult to interpret, and ambiguous. It is exhausting to try to communicate in a healthy manner in narcissistic families because communication is weaponized and used to sow chaos.
There won’t be a lick of empathy. Because narcissists are incapable of empathy, the family system, including the children are raised without a model for perspective taking. So instead of cooperation and understanding, competition rules the roost. If someone is suffering, they need to “suck it up”. If there is empathy, it is usually cognitive empathy, meaning there is an intellectual understanding of another person’s feelings and desires, but an inability to emotionally feel with that person and take their perspective. Cognitive empathy is used to find out pain points and then weaponized against a person as a means of maintaining control.
There are no boundaries. Narcissistic families are often enmeshed, meaning there is no emotional autonomy, and no boundaries between family members. This creates confusion around roles, appropriate behaviors and expectations. The family members cannot separate their own emotional experience from the experience of other family members. Everyone is in everyone’s business. This also means that boundaries are often viewed as rejection and “keeping secrets”.
They will have an opinion on everything (and not value yours). The narcissist in charge is right about everything because being wrong touches their shame and vulnerability, and this feels intolerable to their fragile sense of self. They firmly believe they know best, and they dismiss and devalue other people’s opinions if they do not line up. The arrogance is real. The family often mimics this behavior, particularly if when it comes to the family scapegoat.
Your relationship with your spouse/partner will be strained. Narcissistic families can put an enormous amount of stress on your marriage. Because they demand loyalty to the family first, because privacy and autonomy are not encouraged and often feel threatening to the narcissistic family, your ability to create a marriage that is immune to the manipulative and controlling tactics of your in-laws will rest heavily on the ability to be on the same page, and a united front. And if your spouse does not see the family problems, and has not done the work of separating and individuating from their family of origin, this will be even more challenging.
Here Is What You Can Do About It:
1. The antidote to pressure is: Healthy boundaries, and by that I mean practice saying no. And I mean saying no, or no thank you, without explaining or apologizing. Then practice deflecting any guilt tripping or blaming that might come as a result, and let them sit with the discomfort of their own feelings.
2. The antidote to manipulation is: Again, boundaries. This time with consequences. Here is an example. Your mother-in-law guilt trips you about not attending a family event. You say, “It sounds like you are really disappointed we weren't there. I get that. And, I don’t like being guilt tripped. If you are feeling sad or disappointed, please just tell me. If you continue to guilt trip me, I will end the conversation.” Every boundary must have a consequence or it’s a shit boundary.
3. The antidote to lack of empathy: The best way to handle invalidation, barbs and cruel jokes is to simply ask, “Are you ok?” or “What exactly did you mean by that?” Then nod, smile, and excuse yourself. It is equally important to spend time with people who value you for who you are, appreciate you and lift you up. Lack of empathy has a very dehumanizing quality to it. Be with people who aren’t afraid to validate your perspective.
4. The antidote to lack of boundaries is: Unsurprisingly, it’s boundaries for yourself, and for your spouse. And it is being aligned in those boundaries. And it is communicating those boundaries with consequences and then enforcing them. If someone continues to disrespect your boundaries after you communicate them, it is worth looking at the relationship and considering at what distance you can continue to have a relationship with this person, if at all. Someone who continuously crosses your boundaries after you have communicated them clearly is not respecting you.
5. The antidote to having your opinions devalued: If someone is arguing with you about your opinion, and devaluing you in the process, the best thing you can say is, “We will have to agree to disagree.” And walk away. You can also say, “You are entitled to your opinion, and I am entitled to mine.” If they continue to devalue or belittle your opinions you can choose to spend less time with them, or use the grey rock method. Grey Rocking means not engaging in any emotional exchanges with a person, and keeping answers short and simple. They get nothing from you.
6. The antidote to the strain placed your marriage by narcissistic families is: To be a united front and get on the same page. I cannot stress this enough. Your marriage should be a safe place for both of you. You should both feel as though you can retreat and find comfort in one another. You should also have strong boundaries in place to keep family members who do not value the privacy of your marriage at bay. If you and your spouse are not on the same page, it is vital to get couples therapy with a couples therapist who is trained in NPD family systems. If you are not in a place to get couple therapy, I strongly recommend reading the book “Toxic In-Laws” by Susan Forward, PhD and “Will the Drama Ever End?”by Karl McBride, PhD. I have more resources for people who have married into narcissistic families on the home page of my Substack under “Recommendations”.
And finally, know what you can accept, and know when to step away. No relationship is worth your mental health. If you find that having a relationship with your in-laws is damaging your well-being, there is nothing wrong with walking away from the relationship to take care of yourself. You get to decide who has access to you and who doesn’t. That is your birthright as a human.
