How To Cope With Your Anger Towards Your Narcissistic In-Laws

How Anger Shows Up & Some Ways We Can Work With It

If you struggle with anger towards your narcissistic in-laws, I empathize deeply with you. Anger is normal and healthy response to an injustice, to having your boundaries crossed, and it is a clarifying and motivating emotion. Anger often gets villianized, because many people associate anger with hostility. And many people become hostile when they are angry because they do not know how to wield and work with their anger effectively. The either stuff it and deny it, so it comes out in other ways (sarcasm, passive aggressive comments, headaches, anxiety and so on) or they cannot control it and they explode. Healthy aggression has power and strength behind it. When this aggression gets thwarted, we move to a place of hostility and even violence. So a big part of handling your anger towards your in-laws has to do with expressing it effectively, usually by identifying the underlying feelings you are having, and by setting clear boundaries that align with your values.

Oh trust me, I know how getting angry and staying angry can often feel way better. Anger has an addictive quality to it. When we get angry, our brain uses the same neural building blocks as pleasure and arousal. Anger activates parts of the brain associated with the reward system, and it also activates parts of the brain associated with your values and the self. No wonder we get angry when our boundaries are crossed! The part of the prefrontal cortex associated with detecting error and conflict also lights up when we get angry. This means that anger is an emotion that is necessary for our survival, and, that it can be very tempting to indulge in it. Like a delicious piece of cake. *

Working with our anger means exploring and accepting the idea that anger is an emotion that gives us data, and it needs tempering. To be clear, I am not suggesting we ignore our anger or never get angry. I am suggesting that we learn how to use our anger effectively, which means not letting it consume us, and acting on our anger in a way that serves our best interests. Once our anger consumes us, we have moved into rage, and the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of our brain that helps us with self regulation, planning and other executive functioning, is offline. This means our emotions and our survival instincts are running the show. It is unlikely that anything productive or helpful will happen in this space.

If you do find yourself consumed with anger, try taking a brisk 20 minute walk. It takes about 20 minutes for us to come back to our baseline after we are flooded with emotion. Do not focus on what you are angry about while you walk. Notice your surroundings and practice breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth. If you can elongate your exhale a bit, even better. Then ask yourself, what happened to trigger this feeling of anger? Was there an injustice? A violation? Am I afraid of being rejected or abandoned? Anger often comes up in the face of perceived rejection, or lack of belongingness, or not feeling important to a person who matters to us.

Anger can also mask other, more vulnerable feelings of grief, sadness, and shame, especially if the anger is chronic. Diffusing anger can mean being able to tolerate our imperfections and the shame they may trigger, and noticing what roles we are identified with in our relationships. Are we the victim or the victor? Are we the good one or the bad one? Working with the stories behind these polarizing beliefs helps us to realize that we all play these roles at one time or another. This universal human condition can help us to stop defending and pushing out so hard when we feel our identity is threatened. (For more on roles and the Karpman Drama Triangle, check out this article by Nathalie Martinek, PhD.)

When a person is dealing with a trauma, they may have something called righteous rage. Righteous rage refers to anger or indignation that is considered morally justified or virtuous, typically in response to a perceived injustice, oppression, or wrongdoing. If you have been hurt, or your boundaries have been repeatedly violated, it makes sense that you would be mad. People who have been scapegoated by their families or other systems and institutions often experience righteous rage. In-laws from dysfunctional or narcissistic families may scapegoat a family member who has married into the family, particularly if that family member challenges the status quo or refuses to submit to the dysfunction. Righteous rage can show up when someone wants to right a perceived wrong. Accessing this rage and allowing yourself to feel it in small doses with the presence a safe and well regulated therapist can help. (For more on righteous rage, check out this article by Rebecca Mandeville, LMFT.)

One of my colleagues once told me that learning to manage your anger is as essential as learning to be potty trained (we both have toddlers). As someone who struggles with controlling my anger once my boundaries are crossed, I find myself in pull-ups more than I care to admit. But we all have our lifelong work, and this is mine. I take a lot of deep breaths, and I go on a lot of walks. Without further ado, here are some tools that may help you to work with your anger.

Demos, Detailed Explanations and Free Resources from The Tools for Anger Checklist:

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing, and it is a therapy intervention that helps people recover from their PTSD symptoms. If you have a history of trauma and experience a lot of anger, EMDR may be an effective treatment for you. You can find out more about how EMDR works as well as where to find trained EMDR therapists HERE.

EFT Stand for “Emotional Freedom Technique” and it consists of tapping on acupressure points while repeating a meditation. I find this practice to be extremely effective for anger and anxiety. You can find free EFT meditations on YouTube or you can check out the Tapping Solutions App Here.

Surfing the Urge is a technique from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) that helps you to manage unwanted behaviors. Instead if giving in to the behavior, the client learns to ride it out, like a surfer. For a detailed explanation and free worksheet as well as a free guided audio exercise, click HERE.

The Cold Water Face Plunge is another DBT skill for handling strong emotions. Here’s is how it works:

1. Fill a bowl with ice water.

2. Take a deep breath and prepare to submerge your face in the water.

3. Submerge your face in the water for 10-20 seconds.

4. Take a deep breath and slowly come up for air.

5. Repeat as needed.

This exercise helps bring you fully into the moment by creating and intense physical sensation, and it can help reduce the intensity of your emotions.

For demonstrations on Butterfly Taps, Willing Hands and Extending Your Exhalation, Check Out the Video Below.

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*Dr. Kelly McGonigal, “Practice Skills for Working With Clients Who Are Angry”, NICABM, 2024.