Boundaries Vs. Rules

What Is the Difference and Why Should I Care?

One of the biggest pieces of advice you will get from nearly every article on the internet about navigating relationships with dysfunctional in-laws is to practice setting healthy boundaries. And one of the biggest challenges with setting healthy boundaries is that many people do not know how to do it well. Because it’s hard. And it’s tied to our relationship with conflict, and because setting boundaries can trigger feelings of guilt and sometimes even shame in the person setting the boundary. Many of us think that setting boundaries is telling other people what to do. But it’s not. That’s what rules do - they dictate behavior.

So what is a boundary? Think of it like an invisible line or fence around you that defines what behaviors are acceptable to you and what behaviors are not. Boundaries teach others how you would like to be treated. They allow you to be compassionate and generous with others while staying true to yourself and in integrity with who you are. Brene Brown once astutely observed that you cannot be compassionate and empathetic towards someone while they are violating your boundaries.

Photo by Bogomil Mihaylov on Unsplash

Types of Boundaries:

Physical Boundaries: How close someone stands to you, whether or not you want to be hugged or touched.

Emotional Boundaries: How much or little energy you are willing to give and receive in a relationships in order to maintain your mental health and well-being. Part of emotional boundaries is also being responsible for your own feelings, and not taking responsibility for anyone else’s.

Intellectual Boundaries: Feeling safe enough to share and express your ideas, respect other people’s ideas and difference of opinions, and setting limits around someone dismissing or belittling your ideas.

Sexual Boundaries: Mutual understanding and respect of limitations and desires between sexual partners.

Financial/Material Boundaries: Setting limits on what you will share with others and what you will not share.

Time Boundaries: Setting limits on how you use your time and how much of your time you give to others.

Boundaries are related to our values. If we value our autonomy, we will likely have firmer boundaries around our time, our finances and maybe even our emotions. If we value our privacy we will have firmer boundaries around our physical space and our emotional space. If we value monogamy we will have stricter boundaries around sexuality.

So, the very first step in setting healthy boundaries is understanding what your values are. You may value altruism, dependability, creativity, family, self-respect, personal growth and so on. To get started, take a look at this list of values and see if any jump off the page at you. Another way to determine your values is to think about times where you felt satisfied or fulfilled in your life, and times where you felt hopeless or deeply frustrated. Can you pinpoint what values were at play or perhaps not being honored in each situation?

Once you have a list of your core values, and what is important to you, you can begin to understand what your personal limits are, and what you will and will not tolerate from others. For example, if you value accountability, you may set limits around having people in your life who chronically cannot take responsibility for their behavior, and choose to have a more distant relationship with them.

What a Boundary Is Not:

A boundary is not a rule: Rules dictate what other people can and cannot do. They are usually in place to establish a sense of order and to minimize chaos. Understanding and respecting rules is part of learning to live and function in a wider society. For example, most people understand and respect that a red traffic light means you stop your vehicle. If they didn’t, we would have quite a few accidents, unbearable gridlock, and general confusion while driving.

Boundaries do not control what other people can and cannot do. They let others know what works and does not work for us. We can then set consequences if our boundaries are not respected. Example: “It’s important to me and my spouse, and for the well-being of our child, that anyone who cares for our child is able to respect and follow our parenting rules. We will not leave our child unsupervised with anyone who cannot do this.” So the boundary here is about being respected as a parent, and prioritizing the well-being of your child (parenting rules are in place to keep a child safe and minimize confusion and chaos). The consequence is that you will not leave your child unsupervised if this person cannot respect your parenting rules. Notice that the boundary focuses on you and your needs and values and not on the other person’s behavior. More on this later.

A boundary is not a request: If you are asking people to not do something that is crossing your boundaries, you are not setting a boundary, you are making a request. Now, to be fair, you can always start with a request. “Hey, can you please stop guilt tripping me because I am declining an invitation to a family event? It doesn’t feel good. If you are upset, please just say so.” However, if the person continues to lay guilt trips on you, you will need to set multiple boundaries -around your time and around the way the person is communicating. Example: “I love seeing you, and I will not be able to make it to every family event because I have other demands on my time. I understand that you are disappointed, and when you guilt trip me it feels disrespectful. I am open to hearing how you feel, but not to being manipulated. If you continue to guilt trip me, I will walk away from the conversation.” Requests are asking people to change their behavior. Boundaries are letting people know what works and does not work for you, and what you will do if the behavior continues.

A boundary is not a wall: Boundaries are flexible. You can adjust them to be further out or closer in depending on the situation and person. Boundaries are like fences. They are meant to show where you end and another person begins, but they are not meant to keep people out. If you have poor boundaries, it’s like having a fence with wobbly posts -anyone can come right through the fence. Boundaries are what allow us to have healthy relationships by differentiating where we end and another person begins. At times, our boundaries may become more rigid and wall-like, particularly if people continue to violate them, or if we feel threatened. However, if our boundaries are too rigid all of the time, people can’t get to know us. This makes it difficult for intimacy to flourish. Going no-contact is an exception to this. It is a wall, and it is meant to cut people out. However, when people go no-contact it is usually after exhausting every other option, having their boundaries repeatedly violated, and feeling that the relationship is taking a toll on their mental health. Going no-contact is the most rigid boundary you can set with another person.

A boundary is not a rejection: Boundaries are the things that allow us to have healthy relationships. When you set a boundary with someone, it is because you want a relationship with them and you are letting them know how to do that. People who perceive boundaries as rejection are often wounded by the word “no” due to past trauma, issues with control, or Cluster B personality disorders. Or by the way the boundary was communicated (more on that later too). Families who are enmeshed do not have boundaries, and will mistake this lack of boundaries for intimacy. So in this case, a boundary will also feel like a rejection. Someone who reacts poorly to your boundaries can also be upset about no longer having rights to something that was not theirs in the first place.

Reasonably healthy people will respond to healthy boundary setting with flexibility, empathy, curiosity and usually a quick “Oh I’m sorry, I didn't realize!” Or, if they are struggling with the boundary, they may ask questions to better understand the other person’s thought process, concerns and feelings.

You are not responsible for how people respond to your boundaries. You can be empathetic towards their feelings, if they feel hurt or rejected, but it’s not your job to take care of their feelings or fix them. That just perpetuates unhealthy relationship dynamics. Also, don’t assume they are upset because you set a boundary. They are responsible for communicating their feelings. Assuming how someone else is feeling can unwittingly create more conflict because you are now approaching that person with a pre-conceived idea of how things will turn out.

Boundaries are NOT a way out of accountability: Boundaries should not be used as a way to never do anything we don’t want to do again. We need a healthy level of discomfort in order to grow and remain resilient. We need to remain engaged in honest communication, even if it makes us uncomfortable. (Honest communication does not include things like gaslighting, blame shifting, guilt tripping, triangulating and other forms of manipulation.) In fact, when we have good boundaries, we are holding ourselves and other accountable. When we can hold ourselves and others accountable, we no longer have to point the finger and blame.

From csueastbay.edu

So now that you know what boundaries are and are not, let’s talk about common pitfalls when it comes to setting boundaries.

Common Pitfalls When Setting Boundaries:

Because boundaries are related to our values, it is important that we respect our own boundaries. This means understanding our own limits and being willing to say no to others when something does not align with us. If you do not respect your own needs, values and wants, or you are disconnected from them, you will struggle to set boundaries with others because you are not able to honor your own. This is a form of self abandoning. When you walk away from what you value and need, you are out of integrity with yourself. This is an unsettling and anxiety-inducing way to live.

Many people struggle to set boundaries because they are fearful of hurting others, and then being rejected. There are two different ways this can show up in boundary setting styles. These two styles come from the work of Dr. Julie De Azevado Hanks, and her book, “The Assertiveness Guide for Women”. These styles, however, can also apply to men.

This first style of communication is called “The Doormat Stance” and as you can imagine, it is characterized by people who allow themselves to be run over by other people, or by their emotions. Doormats do not want to rock the boat. They are frequently people pleasers, and they struggle to articulate their feelings, wants and needs. They have learned to survive by lying down and letting others make the decisions for them. This has the benefit of allowing them to blame others for anything bad in their lives, because they don’t have the power, and someone else has made the decision for them. Doormats often placate, and take a resigned stance, letting others have their way in order to keep the peace. The doormat stance feels passive and weak.

The second style of communication is called the “Sword Stance”. This stance feels (temporarily) powerful. The person with the sword stance is ready to fight and protect themselves at all costs. They often feel that their self-worth is threatened and that they are not emotionally safe. People with the sword stance are often perceived as aggressive and hostile, even if that is not their intent. People who use the sword stance are guarding against more vulnerable feelings of fear, sadness, even loneliness, but they often create more disconnection in doing so. (See my piece on resentment to learn more about how anger guards us against our more vulnerable emotions. Resentment can also be a sign that we need to set boundaries.) There is also the “hidden sword stance”, which is being passive-aggressive. In this approach, you pretend everything is fine, or hide underneath a doormat stance, then use something like sarcasm or belittling to get your point across. The sword stance is about emotional safety and keeping yourself safe. However, it often unintentionally hurts others. It is not uncommon to flip from a doormat stance to a sword stance.

The trouble with both of these stances is that they fail to communicate boundaries in an effective way. One is too passive, and often looks like making requests or setting boundaries with no consequences, or failing to hold a person accountable when they cross your boundaries. The other is too aggressive and creates disconnect and hurts people. (By the way, I am totally guilty of taking the sword stance in boundary setting, which has not helped my relationship to my in-laws at all. So when I say boundary setting is not easy, understand that I am a therapist, and I still struggle with it.)

The third way to communicate is what Hanks describes as the “Lantern Stance”. It is the middle way. Now, she points out that we are all moving through these different styles of communication all of the time, and the important thing is to be aware of this, and see if we can make a different choice. So, what are the characteristic of the “Lantern Stance”?

• Timing your conversations correctly. Boundary setting is best done when you are in a calm and regulated place. And ask. Ask if it’s an ok time for the other person.

• Doing it privately. No one likes to be called out publicly. Humiliating someone in front of the family or others to get your point across will backfire and it is disrespectful.

• Soft Start. This is a term from John and Julie Gottman, who have done quite a bit of research on conflict between couples. They coined the term “soft start-up” to explain how to start difficult conversations. A soft start means using “I statements”, avoiding criticism and contempt, and describing what is happening instead of blaming. Ideally the person on the receiving end of a soft start up will not respond defensively. (If you love an overt sword stance like I do, this will be hard one.)

• Replace the word “but” with “and”. It reminds people that two things can exist at the same time. Here is an example: “I love how much you care for our child, and, when you give me unsolicited parenting advice it feels disrespectful of my own parenting values and my right to make my own parenting choices. ”

• Take responsibility for your boundaries. You are setting them because of something you need that is rooted in your value, and that is valid. Don’t blame other people for having to set boundaries. If people repeatedly violate your boundaries, then you can hold them accountable for their behavior. But that’s different from blaming them. Blaming example: “You are making me so mad with your constant criticism and now I have to stop talking to you.”

• Letting the person know that you care about them and appreciate them, if you in fact do. If you don’t, then do not fake it. Simply communicate respectfully.

• Flexibility. Boundaries can change with circumstance and need. Feeling secure with yourself and trusting yourself allows you to adapt to your environment, take risks, and build resilience. When you respect yourself, you build relationships with people who do the same. When your boundaries do get crossed, you are able to assess whether someone did so inadvertently, and perhaps needs grace, and you are able to let go of people who repeatedly disrespect your boundaries.

Ok so now that you know what a boundary is and isn’t, what healthy boundary setting looks like, and common pitfalls when setting boundaries, let’s take a closer look at the difference between boundaries and rules.

Boundaries Vs. Rules

Boundaries are about focusing on your individual needs and personal limits for your well-being. They are a way to communicate what you are and are not comfortable with in a relationship with another person - any relationship. Rules are about dictating what a person can and cannot do. If boundaries are a fence you build around you, rules are a fence you build around another person. Rules can violate a person’s autonomy and independence when they are too controlling. Punishment for breaking rules can create fear and resentment in a relationship. I will say it again: Boundaries are about you, rules are about another person. You can invite someone to respect your boundaries, but you cannot force them. If they do not respect your boundaries then the responsibility lays with you to take actions that protect your well-being and allow you to live in integrity with your own values. You cannot be compassionate and loving towards someone who is violating your boundaries.

So some of you might be saying, well yes, but if I don’t want someone to stop by my house unannounced and I let them know that does not work for me, aren’t I setting a rule around their behavior? The difference is the focus. Are you focused on letting them know your needs, your values and well-being and how you will protect them? Example: My spouse and I value our privacy and we need for all of our visitors to call a day before they stop by, and use our doorbell, so that we can feel at ease in our own home. Or is your focus on regulating their behavior? Example: Stop dropping by unannounced. It’s rude and invasive. By the way, my husband and I totally did more of the second example combined with making “a request” when we first started setting boundaries with my in-laws. To this day they think that the fact that they can’t walk into our house without any warning is all my fault, and that it means I don’t want a family. They also refer to our boundaries as my “rules”. They feel controlled. If we had made it less about their behavior, and more about what we needed, and if we had let them know how much we loved seeing them and valued them, things might have turned out differently. It’s also worth pointing out here that sometimes, when people feel controlled by boundaries, it is because they have never had a boundary set with them in their life. So when they realize they cannot do as they please with another person who they think they have a right to, they feel controlled.

When we blame others for our feelings, we will likely set a rule instead of a boundary. When we take ownership our feelings and needs, we can offer a more autonomous, take-it-or-leave-it approach. So instead of: You are making me angry because you keep talking to me through a third person and gossiping about me, and you are not allowed to do that, so stop. You might say: Resolving conflict by talking directly to people is how I manage my relationships, and is what I need to feel safe and loved. Take it or leave.

Ok but what about consequences? How can I set a boundary with consequences? Isn’t that punishment? First, when a boundary is violated, it gets talked about. It does not get swept under the rug. And the person with the boundary takes steps to protect their well-being. Examples of a consequence: I will not continue the conversation if you speak disrespectfully about my spouse. Or: We will not allow you to be alone with our child if you cannot respect us and our parenting rules. In contrast, when you break rules, you get punished. This can look like threatening, withholding affections, yelling or the silent treatment (not to be confused with no contact). Notice that punishment is about inflicting pain or harm on the other person, and not about protecting a person’s well-being, or their child’s well-being.

Rules are inflexible and controlling, and non-compliance results in punishment. They can cause resentment and push people apart. Healthy boundaries create trust, understanding, safety and bring people closer together. However, if a person cannot respect your boundaries, then that will also result in resentment and distance in relationships.

Now, are you ready for one more layer?

Narcissistic family systems are dominated by unspoken rules. These rules are often what keep the narcissist in charge and in control, encourage “taking sides” and scapegoating, and allow denial to flourish. These rules dictate how people in the family behave. Some examples of rules in narcissistic family systems include: do not talk about your feelings, keep up the image of the “perfect family”, and children (even as adults) are not entitled to privacy or boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries flies in the face of the narcissistic family system’s rules. So does voicing your feelings or needs, which is often related to setting boundaries. Narcissists generally view boundaries as a challenge to their authority, or a foe to be vanquished. If you would like more on narcissistic family rules and the role of scapegoating, please watch this video by Rebecca Mandeville, LMFT.

If you try to set healthy boundaries in a narcissistic family system, you are probably going to be punished, because you are breaking their rules. You might be criticized and blamed for breaking the family apart. You might be flat out ignored. You might be badmouthed and gossiped about. Your spouse might be put in the middle of you and your in-laws. This behavior is as much about doling out punishment as it is about protecting the family’s perceived sense of well-being. Except that the family is not well, it’s a rigid, closed system marked by deeply unhealthy and damaging patterns of communication and relating. But if the family is in denial about this, they will do anything to maintain the status quo of the system. Because that is what feels ”safe and right”. And anything that threatens that system and its unspoken rules, like a person who wants to set healthy boundaries, is going to have a hell of a time getting to a place where their boundaries are respected enough to find safety, trust and understanding within the family.

Boundaries are a threat to narcissistic families, no matter how they are stated. It is still important to communicate your boundaries in a healthy way in this situation, for your own sense of integrity. Depending on the level of narcissism, some boundaries may received well enough to improve the quality of the relationship. However, if you find that your boundaries are regularly disrespected, or worse, weaponized against you, or if you find yourself acting out, rebelling and pushing back against a family system, take a hard look at what the unspoken and spoken rules are. Because you are probably feeling controlled in some way. Rebelling is a normal response to feeling controlled. And understand that a narcissistic family system that is complaining about your rules, when you are in fact trying to set boundaries, may very well be deflecting their own family issues and shortcomings onto you.

So, boundaries versus rules. Essential to navigating all relationships. I hope you now know a little more about the difference between them, and why it’s important.

Creating a Boundary Map can be a good place to start exploring your values, and how people in your life fit in with those values. You are invited to complete this tool and post any questions for support or feedback from me in the Q&A section.

Use this exercise to get clear on who you trust the most in your life, and the qualities people have/need to move from the outer circles to the inner circles of trust. You can also look at what qualities people displayed that may have moved them from the inner circles to the periphery. This exercise should help you get clear on what qualities you value in your closest relationships. From these values, you can set healthy boundaries with others.