Why You Feel Like Your Narcissistic In-Laws Are Rejecting You

Or Why You Feel Like Rejecting Them

There are a number of reasons why a family may reject a perceived outsider. One predictor of whether or not this will happen is how open or closed the family system is. Open and closed family systems are concepts in family systems theory that describe how families interact with their environment and manage boundaries.

Open family system are generally characterized by flexible boundaries, more interaction with the outside world, adaptability to change, being open to new ideas, experiences and perspectives and being better at handling stress and conflicts. Keep in mind that each individual family member’s capacity for flexibility, openness and adaptability will depend on their personalities, stress levels, and window of tolerance. However, in family systems theory we are looking at how the group functions collectively.

Closed family systems are characterized by rigid boundaries, or even rules, dictating how family member should behave, limited interactions with the outside world, resistance to change, less receptivity to new ideas or perspectives, and more difficulty handling stress and conflict in the family. Again there may be individuals who are more open or closed within the system, but today we are looking at how the the group functions.

Open family systems are considered healthier than closed family systems. This is because open systems are adaptable, which makes them better equipped to handle changes and challenges, a crucial piece to maintaining relationships. Members of open families tend to have better emotional intelligence and coping skills due to their diverse experiences and interactions, and their exposure to new ideas and experiences fosters personal development and growth. Because they are curious about different perspectives, open family systems are more skilled at resolving conflict constructively. Open families typically have broader social networks, providing more resources and support during difficult times, and they have better communication patterns, both within and outside the family system. And while open family systems encourage maintaining family bonds, they equally encourage individual autonomy and identity formation. Their flexibility allows for better stress management and problem solving.

However, extremely open family systems without any boundaries can also be problematic when there is a lack of structure and diffuse family identity. Conversely, closed systems can provide stability and a strong sense of family identity, but taken to an extreme, they can lead to isolation, inflexibility, and difficulty coping with change. The healthiest families maintain a balance – they're open enough to adapt and grow, but still have some boundaries to maintain family cohesion and identity.

Closed family systems are considered unhealthy because they can be resistant to change and struggle to adapt to new situations. Their perspectives can be narrowed due to minimal outside influence which makes it difficult for them to understand people who “do things differently”. Closed family systems can foster unhealthy dependencies between family members where they overly rely on one another and stunt autonomy and individual development. This can also be a side effect of limited exposure to new ideas and experiences. They often prioritize family unity over individual emotional expression, potentially leading to repressed feelings and poor emotional health, as well as difficulty resolving conflict. Family members may be locked into inflexible roles, limiting personal growth and adaptability, and closed systems often develop unhealthy communication patterns, such as indirect communication (triangulation) or avoidance of difficult topics.

In case you were at all confused about whether narcissistic family systems are closed or open, they are considered closed family systems. In fact, they often exhibit more extreme traits of closed family systems, and here is what I mean by that: Narcissistic family systems are highly resistant to change, as change threatens the narcissistic parent's control. There's often a lack of individual boundaries within the family, also known as enmeshment. Members place an emphasis on keeping family matters private, which can hide dysfunction or abuse. They have very defined roles that serve the needs of the narcissistic parent(s)m and members' identities are closely tied to their roles in the family system Conflicts are often resolved in ways that maintain the narcissistic parent's power and sense of superiority. The narcissistic parent's perspective becomes the family's "reality," regardless of external facts. Scapegoating allows one family member is designated as the "problem," deflecting attention from systemic issues. Emotions that don't align with the narcissistic parent's needs or worldview are often invalidated or punished. Affection and approval are conditional, and are given only when family members conform to expected roles and behaviors.

So we can see that the rigid boundaries, closed off perspectives, resistance to change and the struggle with conflict, which are the hallmarks of closed family systems, are alive and well in narcissistic families.

Ok so you marry into a closed, narcissistic family system. And you feel like you can’t be yourself. Or maybe you feel like you don’t have a place, or they are not accepting of you. Or, maybe you feel like you don’t want to be a part of their family, but you can’t put your finger on why that is. Let’s dig in.

First of all, in all closed family systems, especially in narcissistic ones, family members are expected to fulfill certain roles (the peacekeeper, the troublemaker, the responsible one, or even the golden child, the scapegoat and the lost child). These roles are unchanging, and they are passed own across generations, so there is little room for individuals to grow and explore who they authentically are and what they value in the world. A family member’s identity may be suppressed if it conflicts with the family role they were assigned, and there may be stress including anxiety and depression if the role is a mismatch. Last, when circumstances change, ie. a job loss, a marriage, an illness or the birth of a child, family members may struggle to adjust and reassign responsibilities.

So a part of what you may be feeling is resistance to being reduced to a role, and resistance to having your identity and your authenticity squashed. You may also be given the role of the scapegoat and in this case you are, at a minimum, being blamed for the dysfunction, if not outright rejected in the family. You may be voicing your concerns, or asserting your boundaries, which creates healthy conflict in an open family system. However in a narcissistic family system, conflict resolution skills are poor. So conflict gets swept under the rug instead if being addressed directly, because family members struggle to express their disagreement. There is a win-lose mentality and conflict is seen as a battle to be won instead of a problem to be resolved collectively. Family members may triangulate, meaning involve a third person in the conflict instead of speaking directly to the person they are in conflict with. Conflict then remains unresolved, creating tensions and resentment. Poor conflict resolution skills are modeled and passed down through generations. No wonder you can’t seem to get through to anyone.

The issue of rigid roles and poor conflict resolution are interconnected. Rigid roles can contribute to poor conflict resolution by limiting the family's ability to approach problems from different angles. Similarly, poor conflict resolution skills can reinforce rigid roles by discouraging any attempts to change or challenge the status quo. Add to this a reluctance to share or talk about feelings, a propensity for rewriting history in a way that supports the narcissistic parent's narrative, and information silos (different family members are given different information, creating confusion and preventing a unified understanding of reality), and you have chaos. The narcissist’s favorite thing to sow is chaos because it gives them more control.

You can’t be who you are in a narcissistic family system if it flies in the face of the family narrative. So if you challenge that family narrative, you will either be pushed out or rejected, like skin pushing a splinter out, or you yourself may turn and run for the hills. The cost of assimilating into a narcissistic family system is high - too high for people who value healthy relationships, and especially if they are empathic or HSP to boot. So rejection - on their end or on your end- is often the only way to survive.

So if you notice that it feels like your in-laws are rejecting you, or you find yourself wanting to push them away, take a closer look at which qualities their family system embodies - open or closed? You will likely find that they are a closed family system. And if this is the case, your choice is to assimilate completely, follow their family rules and roles, and give up your values and boundaries, or to keep a very healthy distance between you and them and live your best life.