How Marrying Into A Narcissistic Family Can Strengthen Your Marriage

And What You Need To Do

A reader recently asked me if there was a scenario where the outcome of being married into a narcissistic or dysfunctional family could result in the couple actually becoming closer, and stronger, in spite of such a challenging situation. She then went on to outline how she thought that might look, and she was right on point.

If we take the scenario of a heterosexual couple where the wife has married into the husband’s family, the ways in which the couple could become closer would be in part determined by the husband’s willingness to both protect and prioritize his wife and any children, stand up to his family of origin, and set and enforce boundaries in a healthy manner. In order for this to happen he will have already individuated from his family of origin, and done enough work to leave behind his prescribed role in the family, and explore who he truly is and what his values are. He will be capable of holding his family members accountable for any harmful behavior, and he will be comfortable with the inherent conflict that doing so brings.

But the wife’s willingness to empathize with her husband and understand his struggles is also extremely important in this scenario. We know from couples researchers John and Julie Gottman that turning towards one another for bids for connection, in good times and through adversity, has an enormous impact on the success and strength of the marriage. Empathizing with your partner’s struggles is one way to do this. So is trusting him, and his perspective. Of course, if your partner is still enmeshed, and your in-laws are pointing the finger at you for all the problems, this can feel very difficult. But it’s actually really important. Empathy is what allows us to build connection and trust, and it’s a huge part of creating emotional safety in conversations and in relationships. It’s what allows you to agree to disagree, but each still feel heard and validated.

And, if you are married to someone who was raised in a narcissistic or dysfunctional family of origin there is a high likelihood that their family environment had little to no emotional safety. If they are still working out how to step away from that, or create space for themselves, it’s pretty important that you be an emotionally safe person for them. Actually it’s imperative. I learned this one the hard way.

It’s also important to look at what role you play in the family system. In the beginning of the relationship did you let go of boundaries with your in-laws that were important to you because you just wanted to fit in? Did you set boundaries in an overly aggressive or hostile way? Or conversely did you set them in a more “doormat” style with zero consequences? (For more on healthy boundary setting check out my article on Boundaries Vs. Rules.) This not about assigning blame, it’s about looking at how each each person’s behavior contributed to the relationship dynamics. It may be that it doesn’t matter how you set the boundaries - your in-laws still blame you for every problem. However, in the context of your marriage, acknowledging the ways in which you may contribute to the situation is being accountable to your partner, and it’s being vulnerable and honest. This builds intimacy.

Supporting a spouse who comes from a narcissistic family requires special understanding and patience. Educating yourself about dysfunctional and narcissistic family patterns is important. But so is remembering that healing is not a linear process. Stress can cause old patterns to resurface. Letting them share without judgment is so, so important, as is validating their experiences. This was not something they received frequently as a child and they probably still don’t get emotional validation from their family of origin. Notice when they need extra time or space to process, and be gentle and respectful. Let them share their thoughts, feelings and experiences without judging them, and validate their painful experiences. All of these by the way, are good guiding principles for any relationship.

It will take time for them to trust their own judgement when it comes to their family. Your support in helping them identify healthy and unhealthy relationship patterns can be useful, and so can backing them up on boundaries they set with their family. Help them to identify their triggers from childhood, and create safety around these triggers when you argue or disagree. (You will likely need the help of a good couples therapist.)

It’s a lot. If you are being scapegoated, it can feel close to impossible to do one, let alone all of these things, and you will need to prioritize your own well-being first. It can help to remember that your spouse is not his/her family, and that expressing your hurt without invalidating your spouse’s experience is part of creating a safe, empathetic relationship and a unified front.

Being a united front as a couple is probably one of the best outcomes from marrying into a narcissistic family. You get to really know and understand what it looks like, feels like, and means to be in solidarity with your spouse. Being a unified front is the result of deepening intimacy and trust. This means presenting an allied, supportive partnership to the outside world. The behavior of a unified couple looks like disagreeing in private and agreeing in public, it looks like consistent boundaries with regards to extended family, parenting, and careers. A couple who presents a unified front presents a consistent set of values to others. It means you are loyal to one another above everyone else - you do not take sides with others against your spouse and you defend them when others are critical or gossiping about them. A couple who takes a unified stance also makes agreements on how to handle conflict with each other and with others, and on how they would like to communicate. And finally a couple who is a united front protects each other emotionally against manipulation, against unhealthy relationships, and they share the emotional labor of challenging situations. They do not punt the work to their spouse, or expect their spouse to do more of the emotional heavy lifting.

The best possible outcome for a stronger, healthier marriage when one or both sets of in-laws are narcissistic depends on how each spouse behaves in the partnership. Certainly, marrying someone who has already done the hard work of breaking away from an enmeshed family, establishing their own identity, learning to set and enforce healthy boundaries with their family of origin, and who is unequivocally devoted to their spouse first and foremost is going to make the situation a lot easier. However, if the partner who married in lacks empathy and understanding for their spouse’s situation, the marriage may still hit rough patches when it comes to in-laws because they are not able to take their partner’s perspective, especially when there are milestones or identify shifts such as job changes, moving or having children. If the hard work of individuating has not been done, and the spouse who married in struggles to find empathy and understanding for their partner, the marriage will most certainly hit a rough patch. More like an ice sheet.

I want to be clear. I am not saying that empathy and compassion for your spouse when you are being abused by your in-laws and your spouse is failing to protect you is the way to go. That’s a tall ask. And in those situations, the abuse needs to stop first. Then the betrayal from the spouse who failed to protect you likely needs to be acknowledged and worked through next. It is difficult to have empathy and compassion for people who are consistently violating your boundaries.

However, at some point, if you wish to continue to strengthen your marriage, if you wish to continue to build a unified front, if you hope that the adversity you are facing will allow you to ultimately become closer, and thrive as a couple, then you must also find empathy and understanding for your spouse’s experience of their family of origin, no matter how painful yours was.

And this, I believe, will put you on the road to minimizing the impact your narcissistic or dysfunctional in-laws have on you, and centering your marriage and your love for one another. Which is the best possible outcome you could have in the face of marrying into a narcissistic family system.