Have you ever been accused of giving someone the silent treatment because you went no contact? It can be maddening. The silent treatment and going no contact are both ways of cutting off communication with someone, but they have some key differences.
The Silent Treatment:
Is often used as a form of punishment or manipulation in relationships. The purpose is not to end a relationship but to exercise power and control over someone else.
Is usually temporary, with the intention of resuming communication after the person being given the silent treatment submits to the wishes of the person giving the silent treatment.
Usually occurs between people who live in close proximity or have an intimate or family-based relationship, and is used to express pleasure or disapproval towards a person’s choice or actions.
Is a passive-aggressive way to communicate underlying anger and is emotionally abusive.
Typically doesn't involve blocking or removing the person from social media, email, texts, phone or other forms of communication.
Going No Contact:
Is a decision made for self-protection and self preservation with the intention of healing.
Is usually intended to be long-term or permanent.
Involves completely cutting off all forms of communication, including blocking on phone, email, and social media.
Is more commonly used in situations involving toxic or narcissistic relationships, abusive relationships, or after a breakup.
Is focused on personal growth and moving on, and preventing harm, rather than punishing the other person and inflicting harm.
The silent treatment is considered an unhealthy way of communicating in relationships, while going no contact can be a valid strategy for protecting oneself from harmful situations or people. The key difference lays in the intent. Going no contact is setting a boundary. It is not about controlling another person’s behavior. It is usually a last resort after all other attempts at making the relationship work have failed, and the narcissistic abuse is having negative impact on the person’s mental and/or physical health.
In no contact, there is often a realization that the intergenerational trauma and projections of the family system are too strong, and other members of the family are not interested in changing. For more information on the ways in which narcissistic families project their dysfunction onto a family member, check out this article by Rebecca Mandeville, LMFT.
In narcissistic family systems, members of the family may use your decision to remove yourself from their dysfunction as an opportunity to prove that you are clearly the problem, mentally disturbed, and sometimes even accuse you of being a narcissist and giving them the silent treatment. This is scapegoating, and a reflection of their inability to see their part in the problem. Therefore they deflect it onto someone else. Do not fall for it. When you go no contact, you are not looking for the person you cut off to beg you for forgiveness and validation. You are not looking for the person you cut off to grovel and apologize. Your choice is not an attempt to elicit different kind of behavior from them, and it is not to punish them. That would be giving someone the silent treatment.
Going no contact is about protecting your peace, moving on and healing from narcissistic abuse or other dysfunctional relationship dynamics. This means that along with seeking validation, which is a crucial part of recovery from narcissistic abuse due to the amount of gaslighting that occurs, you are also looking for how you can change and grow. Like every other boundary that you set, going no contact should never be about avoiding all discomfort and keeping ourselves in a bubble where you are “right” and they are “wrong”. This will keep you stuck. Instead, tend to your wounds. Get clear on your values. And grieve the loss of the relationship.
Giving someone the silent treatment is like saying, 'I don't value our relationship enough to communicate.
I was just thinking about this the other day - the 'silent treatment' assumption / accusation (sigh...). Love the topics you cover - I'll be restacking this for my subscribers. Thank you for referencing my FSA article on projection as well.