In the complex tapestry of family dynamics, the relationship between in-laws often emerges as one fraught with tension, conflict and competition. There are memes and movies aplenty depicting the overbearing in-law trope. While unpleasant in-law relationships are certainly not a universal truth, one study done in 2008 reported that nearly 60% of women reported at least one relationship with a female in-law that caused them stress and unhappiness. 1
Why are in-law relationships particularly hard on women? Well first of all, they are not relationships that you choose, and at least initially, they rely on a third person to facilitate the relationship. This conceptualization of in-law relationships has been coined “the linchpin theory”. A linchpin can be an individual, an activity, a goal or an expectation whose role in the relationship is to “tie the other two together”.2
The linchpin theory came from observing that in difficult social relationships between two people, the individuals were triangulated together by some third element (a persons, an activity, a belief). Without this third element, the other two individuals would not even maintain a relationship. In the case of in-laws, the third person is the spouse. This means that in difficult relationships between mother-in-laws or sister-in-laws, and daughter-in-laws, the son plays a pivotal role. I will be addressing this topic in separate post, but for now, it’s important understand that difficulties with in-law relationships can affect the quality of a marriage, and the quality of parental or sibling relationships. How a son handles his relationship to his mother and other female members of the family, as well as the quality if his relationship to his mother, has influence on these outcomes.
At the heart of conflict between most in-laws is what therapists call “relational uncertainty”. Relational uncertainty is confusion about how to think, act or feel towards another person. Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships are particularly vulnerable to this dynamic. These two roles can feel like they are in perpetual conflict, because each woman is the primary role in her primary family. “As each tries to establish or protect her status, each feels threatened by the other. ‘Will I have to relinquish respect if I respect your importance in the family?’ and ‘Will I retain my importance if I acknowledge yours?’ signal a vulnerability that can lead to competition over…who has more power and influence…” 3
A mother-in-law may not understand where she fits into her son’s life after he is married, and starts a family of his own. There is grief and loss with this transition, but it is disenfranchised grief, meaning it is rarely acknowledged as a “legitimate” reason to grieve. And because as a culture we are not great at grieving to begin with, any feelings of loss may get swept under the rug. The ambiguity in the mother-in-law’s role is heightened when a grandchild is born, particularly if the daughter-in-law’s mother is present, which can further push the mother-in-law’s role to the back burner. From a daughter-in-law’s perspective, she is trying to establish her own family, with her own traditions and values, and may feel irritated or intruded upon by her mother-in-law’s attempts to feel included and relevant.
Indeed, communication problems and value differences are among the largest predictors of problematic MIL-DIL relationships. One research study found inclusive MIL behavior was associated with increased feelings of inclusion and relationship satisfaction in the DIL, and exclusive MIL behavior had the opposite effect. This study went on to assert that ”High quality MIL-DIL relationships include MIL behaviors that both meet and exceed DIL standards for support. Support is defined as MIL helping DIL to to solve problems through perceived displays of compassion, concern, sympathy and esteem. This result excluded MIL behaviors that were perceived as supportive by the MIL but intrusive by the DIL.”4 Behaviors that predicted increased satisfaction in a MIL from DIL included “showing respect”, “helping out”, “feeling included” and “shared values and goals”. Criticism towards daughter-in-laws and son-in-laws was centered on being perceived as “thoughtless and indifferent” toward the parents-in-law. Research done on mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships in the U.S. repeatedly show that the mother-in-laws tend to view their relationships with their daughter-in-laws more favorably, with daughter-in-laws more frequently viewing their mother-in-laws as intrusive or in a negative light.5
”High quality MIL-DIL relationships include MIL behaviors that both meet and exceed DIL standards for support. Support is defined as MIL helping DIL to to solve problems through perceived displays of compassion, concern, sympathy and esteem.”
I want to pause here and acknowledge that, so far, we have been talking about “normal” in-law tension. Meaning, the research I am referencing does not assume, nor does it identify, if the families participating are narcissistic or highly dysfunctional. I bring this up because as you can see, power, influence, roles, and perceived hierarchies are all part of what make in-law relationships challenging. In narcissistic and highly dysfunctional families, power over others, strict hierarchies, poor or weaponized communication, lack of boundaries and rigid roles can add substantially more stress to what can be an already arduous situation.
Additionally, the qualities cited above that contribute to positive MIL-DIL relationships, such as compassion, concern and esteem, are absent in narcissistic and highly dysfunctional families. And, the type of clear communication and disclosure of expectations, standards and preferences that are required to mitigate conflict in in-law relationships may actually cause harm to the person sharing them within a narcissistic family system. Narcissistic families are closed family systems, and they may attack, blame or scapegoat anyone who challenges the status quo by bringing in new and different ways of relating, particularly if it threatens the narcissist’s sense of control.
So here we are in a relationship we didn’t choose, triangulated by a person who may or may not have their own relationship problems with their family of origin, with people who may or may not share our values and communications style, and where roles in the family are changing, leading to ambiguity and muddied expectations. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Or a really great Rom-Com.
But add a narcissistic or highly dysfunctional family into the mix and now it becomes a drama. And not the feel-good kind of drama. The like, heavy, horror kind. Let’s start with the linchpin theory. If a son is in the middle of his wife and mother’s relationship, but he has individuated, set clear boundaries with his family, and has strong communication skills, navigating these two relationships will be much easier because he has a healthy enough relationship with his family of origin. In the best of circumstances, the two women will form their own bond, and the need for the son-in-law to remain in the linchpin role will fall away.
In narcissistic and dysfunctional families, members are enmeshed, meaning there are no boundaries, individuation has not happened on an emotional level, and communication skills are usually poor. How much harder is it then for a son who grew up in a narcissistic or dysfunctional family system to navigate and support a healthy relationship between his mother or siblings, and his wife? This is particularly true when mother-son enmeshment is present. In these cases, the mother relies heavily on her son to meet her emotional needs and views his marriage as a betrayal or an abandonment, and the wife as a threat. The mother will often use tactics like guilt tripping, shaming, blaming and manipulation to keep her son close. This behavior can also be true for the father if he has strong narcissistic tendencies. In these situations it is not uncommon for the DIL to be scapegoated, or blamed for all of the problems in the family, particularly if she is showing up with healthy boundaries and a strong sense of self, thereby challenging the family dynamics and threatening the control the parents have. For more information on in-law scapegoating, please read my article on Signs You Are Being Scapegoated by Your In-Laws. You can also find out more about scapegoating in the work of Rebecca Mandeville, LMFT.
Relational uncertainty, or confusion about how to think, feel or act towards another person are part of navigating in-law dynamics. Power struggles, feelings of vulnerability and concerns around mutual respect can show up in the best of situations. A MIL may struggle with letting go of her role as the primary woman in her son’s life, or with understanding where she fits into her son’s life now. But in a healthy family, the parent will take care of their feelings, grieve as needed, step back and allow their child the independence, privacy and autonomy needed to nurture a new marriage. Mutual respect, curiosity towards the partner’s new spouse, and acceptance of differences will also be part of a healthy family’s response to relational uncertainty, along with clear communication. In a narcissistic or dysfunctional family, the loyalty must always go to the family of origin first. Power is a zero sum game, with power over being the only outcome, never power with (shared power). Lack of respect runs rampant, and boundaries and autonomy are viewed as rejection, or a challenge to authority. There is only one way to relate in a narcissistic family and it is through taking on the rigid roles assigned to you: the golden child, the lost child, the enabler, the scapegoat. There is no emotional intimacy, only pseudomutuality. So resolving relational uncertainty in the family through, clear, authentic, empathetic communication and feelings-based “I” statements that reflect personal accountability, is about as probable as my 4 year old daughter making a soufflé. Having narcissistic or highly dysfunctional in-laws makes the process of navigating in-law relationships nearly impossible.
…in a healthy family, the parent will take care of their feelings, grieve as needed, step back and allow their child the independence, privacy and autonomy needed to nurture a new marriage. Mutual respect, curiosity towards the partner’s new spouse, and acceptance of differences will also be part of a healthy family’s response to relational uncertainty.
Last, you have communication problems and value differences. These are cited as a significant contributor problems in a MIL/DIL relationship in the literature. This makes sense. Feeling included, or part of a group is a core need for all humans. It’s literally how we stayed safe for thousands of years. Nowhere does this need for safety show up more than in family systems. It makes sense then, that inclusive behavior from a MIL would be strongly correlated with DIL relational satisfaction. Other behaviors mentioned above that increase DIL satisfaction include compassion, support, esteem. MILs also need to feel included. However, they value a DIL who “helps out, shows respect and shares their values and goals”.
I have to be honest here. I genuinely do not think it is reasonable to base how much you like your DIL on whether or not she shares your values and goals. That means you want someone who has similar beliefs about what's right, wrong, or important in life. It means you want them to agree with your priorities. It means you want them to have similar aspirations or objectives for the future, and you want their vision to align with yours. That’s not liking someone for who they are. It’s expecting them to be like you. I also think respect goes both ways. You have to give respect to get it. If you continuously disrespect someone but expect respect in return you are acting like a petty tyrant. And while I agree it’s import to help out in families, I think that’s an odd thing on which to base the success of your relationship.
It’s interesting to me that the DILs listed emotional qualities of love and support as predictive of increased relationship satisfaction, and the MILs listed character traits. Perhaps it’s generational. On the other hand, perhaps MIL are using different language to express a desire for mutual understanding, validation and acceptance, cooperation, reciprocity and belonging. More research in this area would be helpful.
What we do know is that in narcissist family systems you are expected to assimilate into the dysfunction, embrace the family narrative, never challenge the status quo, and remain loyal at all costs. And we know that inclusion in the family is conditional and hinges on these expectations being met. For someone marrying into this family system, feeling “included” comes at a high cost. We also know that when the qualities of respect, helpfulness and shared values and goals come with an extreme need for alignment, we are potentially looking instead at fear of conflict or difference, desire for control in relationships, and insecurity and fear of abandonment instead of the more positive version of these values. It’s worth reflecting on which of these versions show up in your relationship with your in-laws.
Healthy in-law relationships require active participation from both sides of the family. Open communication, setting healthy boundaries, showing appreciation and kindness, maintaining your independence and autonomy, and prioritizing your relationship with your spouse can all improve the quality of in-law relationships. In narcissistic families or families with high levels of dysfunction this may or may not be possible because of the lack of boundaries, lack of self-awareness, high enmeshment, denial and tendencies to scapegoat outsiders who threaten the family system. The quality of in-law relationships is associated with the child/child-in-law’s marital satisfaction, and colors their prediction about the success of their marriage. This makes alignment between spouses regarding in-law relationships important in a marriage. While the struggles around in-law relationships are a tale as old as time, being married into a narcissistic or dysfunctional family system can turn an age old story into a dystopian nightmare without appropriate support, education and awareness.
Apter, Teri. What Do You Want From Me? Learning to Get Along with In-Laws. W.W. Norton& Co, 2009.
Michael E Woolley, Geoffrey L Greif, Mother-in-Law Reports of Closeness to Daughter-in-Law: The Determinant Triangle with the Son and Husband, Social Work, Volume 64, Issue 1, January 2019, Pages 73–82, https://doi.org/10.1093/sw/swy055
Apter, Teri. What Do You Want From Me? Learning to Get Along with In-Laws. W.W. Norton& Co, 2009.
Rittenour, C. (2012). Daughter-in-law Standards for Mother-in-law Communication: Associations With Daughter-in-law Perceptions of Relational Satisfaction and Shared Family Identity. Journal of Family Communication, 12(2), 93–110. https://doi.org/10.1080/15267431.2010.537240
Woolley, et al., 2019
Fantastic article on an issue that needs far more attention socially than it has as of yet received. And thank you for linking to my work on family scapegoating abuse (FSA) 🙏. Cultural influences can also play a powerful role in these (dysfunctional) dynamics, which I see often especially with my Far Eastern clients, where typically the daughter-in-law is expected to be submissive to the mother-in-law.